Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski

Come As You Are is a foundational, science-backed guide to understanding desire, pleasure, and sexual wellbeing, and this revised and updated edition expands on the research that made the original a modern sex-ed classic. Emily Nagoski reframes sexuality not as a performance or a set of parts, but as an experience deeply shaped by context: stress, mood, trust, safety, and body image.

Drawing on neuroscience, psychology, and physiology, Nagoski introduces readers to concepts like the dual control model of sexual response, responsive desire, and the idea that there is no single “normal” way to want sex. This updated edition includes new insights on mindfulness, emotional regulation, and pleasure, making the science even more applicable to real-life relationships, long-term partnerships, and changing bodies.

Written in clear, compassionate language, Come As You Are is especially resonant for people who have been taught that something is “wrong” with their desire. Instead, Nagoski offers a deeply relieving message: you are already sexually whole, exactly as you are.

Why I recommend this book

I recommend Come As You Are because it consistently changes the way people talk about themselves and their bodies. This is a book I suggest to clients who feel broken, behind, or frustrated with their sex lives—especially those navigating stress, chronic illness, trauma, or long-term relationships. The science is validating without being overwhelming, and the framework helps people replace self-blame with curiosity and self-trust. If there’s one book that can fundamentally shift how someone understands desire, this is it.